Seeing the World Through Other's Eyes. Mainly Mine.

So, me and my mum had another row yesterday. Not too surprising.But one thing that keeps recurring is me, arguing whether my mum isn't being a hypocrite, and whether she needs to calm down. Now I know you'll probably never hear my mum's side of the story, so I'm going to tell my side, to paint myself in a better light.

Never a day goes past in the Lee Household without the familiar screaming of two voices. Mine and my mother's. Now, in my mother's defence, usually, I fuck up sometime during the afterschool. But Honestly, I think she just wants to have a go at me. Either way, me and my mum are constantly rowing. And usually it ends up with me being hit, having to apologise for what I think is something rather unnecessary to get mad at, and my mother getting really pissed off for however long until bedtime. Now let us observe this rather interesting argument from Sunday night.So, I have this rather messy/not really messy project that involves a lot of glue, and paper, and stacks of heavy books. So, naturally my mum told me to clean it all up before I went to bed. And so naturally, because I was going to use it another time, I just sweeped the things aside, neatly, mind you, to the side of my desk. Everything was in a pile the size of an A4 page. And so, within two seconds, my cleaning was finished. I decided to go to sleep. BUT! Due to unforeseen circumstances, my mum decided to come in to discuss the rather pressing matters of transport for the next day. As she was walking out, she started shouting at me, what? What's all this? Why isn't your rubbish cleaned up? Is this 'clean?'. Now, I would have been fine with all of that, BUT she decided to sweep her hand by all of the stacks of paper to indicate her frustration, which in turn frustrated me further, because she just managed to sweep aside NUMEROUS amount of carefully made card-stock paper, and all their assorted little bits and pieces that were cut off. And do you know what a pain it is to pick those pieces off of the ground? Then this... BITCH just sweeps it all away, to make a point that it wasn't clean. Sure, call it unclean and whatever, but WHAT? If I'm meant to CLEAN IT UP after, DON'T make it harder for me to clean it up, if I was GOING to clean it up, then leave it in a nice pile LIKE IT WAS. So I needed to use the paper further, so I sighed, EXASPERATED that she had decided to so rudely un-clean what I had done. And then I said, in a rather annoyed tone 'Mum, if I'm going to clean it up, couldn't you have just left it in the pile it was, why did you have to sweep your hand across and make a mess?'. Then she blew her top.
She started to scream at me, because the one thing she HATES is logical backchat. No, not JUST backchatting, LOGICAL BACKCHAT. I've tried all sorts of backchatting from hurling insults back at her, al the way down to logical arguments, and funnily enough, she hates LOGICAL backchat more than she hates getting insulted. Anyways, she started screaming about how I was trying to get all up ion her face, and I was being disrespectful to her, and how I'm such a shit child because I'm backchatting her. Okok. BACK UP A FEW STEPS FROM THAT. If I came up to you, and dumped your rubbish bin you JUST CLEANED straight onto your bed, then I think you'd feel quite inclined to sigh and say something along the line of what I said. But then, no my mum was saying that I was such a stupid child and no NORMAL child would treat their parent with such disrespect. And blah blah blah. And it went on and on for a while, me arguing that it was your own damned fault that the argument is going on this long because you're refusing to admit that you're being an over-reacting bitch and that I'm entitled to having a little rant because you just messed up a carefully made pile of scrap paper that I'm going to use. After that little scene was over, I said 'Fine, whatever, I'm sorry, I needed that paper for later'.

My words then cannot describe how angry her face was.

To be continued...

TL;DR Fuck logical arguments with my Mum.

Far Over the Misty Mountains Cold

For all of those who have really shitty parents out there.
This is a post for you.

As a child, I used to be abused by my parents alot. Getting hit around by my mum for not being able to learn 8 x 7 at year two, getting hit by an abacus because my dad decided he would have a drunken rage, literally thrown out of the house for a while because my test results weren't satisfactory ( I got one easy question wrong), and having my hair pulled out. I'm not saying these things to try and make your problems with your parents look smaller, or insignificant. In fact, I think your problems are probably much worse than mine. I'm saying these things so that you know I understand how you feel. I know what it feels like to have your parents insult you at every little turn. They can be really nice to you at times, but then be a complete bitch in another. I know what it feels like. I once considered suicide because my mum was telling me how shit a child I was because I couldn't write neatly (she saw my friend's writing book, and then I countered with, you should see other people's writing, then she slapped me and said that who cares, there's a neater one in front of you you piece of shit). I hated nearly every waking moment, and dreaded each afterschool hour, for fear that the abuse and insults would come hurtling by again. But what I did wrong was very painfully obvious after. And I know, that my parents are hurling abuse at me, because that's just the only way they know how to discipline me, so that's why they keep calling me names, in the vain hope that the message will get through.

Now, I understand, by some words, the parent's aren't always hurling insults because you're doing something majorly wrong. I heard that sometimes they just get frustrated. And I don't know if that's the case with all of them, but sometimes, life for the parents is hard, and it goes down a shithole as well. Perhaps he had an off day, and you just got caught out badly, or maybe he's just angry over something. But I think the best thing we can do for them at that time, is to avoid them, and give them space, or try to make them feel better.
I'm by no means a good boy. It can be very easily argued that I'm perhaps one of the worst children a parent could have (come live invisibly in my house for two weeks and you'll know what I'm talking about. My Friend-Me relationship habits and my House/Parents-Me relationship habits are completely different). But there is one thing that my parents always tell me I can do. And that's understand. Even if so many times over, I get the message, but don't execute an action to fix my mistake, after my initial fit of anger at the words they hurl at me, I understand what they are trying to do for me.

Our parents have a time limit on this earth, as do we. But their only goal in life, after they have kids, is to hope that they can shape their kid into a success. Not only for themselves, but so the child isn't ignored, and dismissed. They want' the best for their child, and maybe they're not the best at explaining what they want from their child. Some parents are afraid to talk to their children about things like that. But most of all, they love us. And In turn, the best we can do for them is to understand, and try the best we can, until the inevitable cycle is closed, and yours slowly fades too.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try... 
To fix you...

 Yall my greatest friends.
Thanks. :)

Let's Get A Few Things Straight Here

I'm going to set things straight here.

1) DON'T. EVER. SOME. to me with your emotional problems, because while I tell you words of comfort. I'm thinking 'So what are you going to do about it princess?'. I DON'T like all the stress that comes with having friends who have all theses massive emotional problems that invade their life. I stress out even worse, because frankly, I don't deal well with that kind of pressure that comes with having a friend come up to you and lean on your shoulder to cry on. My emotional problems? A few parts silence, perhaps a bit of crying, a dark mood, a few well placed punches in a pillow and then boom. I'm over it. WHY? BECAUSE THERE IS NO NEED, FOR ME TO HANG MY HEAD DOWN, AND CONTEMPLATE ABOUT HOW BAD THE SITUATION IS. I know I'm bing inconsiderate, I know I'm being shallow and conceited, but this is just my opinion. As much as I love my friends, and feel like you should all lead happy, successful lives, if you hang your head down and downcast your eyes for a few days or weeks, as soon as you hit a bump in the road, that a few more days or weeks until that problem gets solved. And even if your feeling like shit, go talk to someone about it. Don't sit there being sad. Go talk to someone. Or at least put on a brave face for your friends. Even if you life is in a complete shithole, and you feel completely downcast, try to put on a brave face. Because that's how I feel about my own problems. For me, sharing my own problems with other people is one of the worst things I could do to you. And no, I don't want your sympathy, I don't want questions asking 'Why?' because that's just the way it is.  Id est quod est
I just never liked the prospect of shouldering a problem with a friend, because that's agony my friend has to go through. It's like shouldering off your own problems, so your weight is lighter. But then your friend is shouldering that same weight that was agonising you. Just because I'm sad, it feels like I'm putting the weight off my back, my friends, so I can escape unscathed. I don't like that. So. Just. Don't come to me with your problems with the world. Your First World Problems. Your whatever, emotional problems you'll have. Because all You'll get is a face full of sympathy, and a heart with absolutely none.

2) I AM NOT MY SISTER. AND IF ANYONE, INCLUDING TEACHERS, EVER EXPECTED ANYTHING OF ME THAT WERE OF MY SISTER'S STANDARDS, THEN HAHA. YOU'LL BE SEVERELY DISAPPOINTED.
Ever since today's discussion in Sose about Only child and shit/. Inside I was bubbling with hate. Okay. I absolutely love my sister. I probably have a better relationship with my sister than others do with their siblings, but at the same time, I just wished she wasn't so GOD DAMNED GOOD AT EVERYTHING SHE DID! Ever since I hit the road on Lyneham, I always felt like I was trudging behind in her giant footsteps, always in her shadow she left at Lyneham High. I feel like the teachers all judge me for not being her. I also feel like my parents hate me for not being her. But. the point is. I'M NOT SUNNY.

3) Shoutout to my korean bestie who's birthday is tomorrow! You're turning into a big boy now! :D 16, the sweet 16. You can drive, do stuff ;) ;) and in two years you can drink alcohol :D
ALFRED AND BIG N DAWG, I'm holding you guys to that promise you made. On my 18th birthder, you guys are taking me out for a drink ;)

4) See Y'all Tomoz ;)

I will what I want, and I want what I will

This was posted up on facebook by my sister. Good on her.
And I will add my own little bit.
If I speak a different language in front of you, and you get pissed off, and tell me to go speak it somewhere else, do you get what you're subtly saying? You're basically saying 'Go back to your own country to speak your language bitch'. So next time I'm speaking Korean and someone LEGITIMATELY gets annoyed at me for speaking it, I'm going to explode and scream in your face :) Okay?.

Credit to Sunny for Being Awesome. My Eternal Sis.

So today I went to my Physics catch-up lab. For those of you who aren't in UNSW, in our Physics lab we have a 'hatch' that we go to where we hand in our student ID's in exchange for a nice, neat box of all the equipment that we need for that day's experiment. The 'hatch' is usually manned by this lady who's generally really unsmiling and seems to dislike kids, which makes me wonder why she's working at a university. 

Anyway, I finished early today and I packed all my equipment back into my box to return to the hatch to get my student ID back. As I was walking to the hatch, however, I overheard the conversation the hatch lady was having with the International (Asian) student in front of me. It seemed she had asked for his surname to find his student ID, and the student had misunderstood and given his first name. She was being kinda short with him (which is all standard for her) and told him 'You know we speak English at this university, right?'

At this I kind of stopped short and went 'whoa, no, really? Did she seriously just say that?'

Yeah. She really did. She then said 'surname is just another word for family name, they mean the same thing', and it was nice of her to explain, and the student got his ID back and everything was fine, but back. Track.

Let me tell you a thing. I really, really, really dislike the phrase 'We speak English at this university/here/there/anywhere'. It smacks of white entitlement and a false belief of ownership and it's just so damn UNNECESSARY. Putting aside its wide use by various members of the 'culturally conscious' (white) Australian public, let's have a look at why it was inappropriate in this particular situation. 

1. It was UNNECCESSARY. Of COURSE he knows that the vast majority of people speak English in Australia, and presumably in UNSW too. The purpose of Hatch Lady's statement wasn't to rectify something he had done wrong and it wasn't to inform him of something he hadn't known before. Had she wanted to do that, all she had to do was say something along the lines of 'Oh, surname is just another word for family name, now you know' and have left it at that. Why tack on such a snarky, sarcastic phrase before it?

2. It was belittling. Belittling, demeaning, making people feel stupid - take your pick of adjectives. She may not have meant it as such, but the phrase itself is what it is. It's rehashing an obvious fact in a sarcastic tone, as if the other person is too dumb to understand what it means. It reduces the other person down to their inability to speak English -- as if that was the most important thing about them. Let me tell you something. That guy is an international student, speaking two languages (most likely three, as most Asian countries have their own language and English as prerequisites (YES, PREREQUISITES -- MOST STUDENTS IN ASIA ARE FUCKING BILINGUAL) and encourage the learning of a third), doing ADVANCED PHYSICS IN HIS SECOND LANGUAGE, the contents of which most people don't even get in their first language. He KNOWS his English is bad compared to native speakers, and he's damn well stressing about it because hey, he may be good at Physics and Maths but half of the damn subject is solving word problems, so it affects his grades directly. He doesn't need you to make him feel any more shitty about it, especially not with such a damaging statement that ignores everything I just said about him and focuses solely on his lack of proficiency in English.

3. It's actually severely racist. You're telling everyone who doesn't speak English that they don't belong here. It's basically a subtler version of 'go back to your own country'. Um, newsflash: if us speaking a foreign language offends you, consider making speaking in an Indigenous Australian tongue the norm and then your irritation might make more sense. Once again, in this particular case, Hatch Lady is telling the international student to either 'speak English or go home', as if his other merits don't warrant further consideration in whether or not he's going to be an asset to Australia. And I know some of you are going to defend Hatch Lady and be all 'but that's not what she meant! You know she didn't mean it in a racist way'. Well, no, I don't know if she meant it in a racist way or not because who the fuck know what goes on in other people's heads? Internally she might be the most racist person on the planet and all she has to do is put on a facade and no-one will know. Even if she didn't mean it that way, THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT IT SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SAID. People always tell me that wording doesn't matter, as long as they meant it another way-- and to that I say BULLSHIT. Why the hell do we grade essays on how proficient someone is at manipulating the English language then? Shouldn't we just mark them according to what the student MEANT?! 

Bottom line is, language exists so that we can convey what we mean in the most accurate way. You cannot say something that someone construes as offensive and then say 'I didn't mean it that way'. Obviously, someone has taken it to be meant that way, and that means you didn't make yourself clear enough. If you can't utilise your own language to clearly convey your meaning, you have no right telling other people off about it. 

I would have said all this to Hatch Lady myself but I'm a) a coward and b) having another Physics catch-up lab on Friday and I wouldn't put it past her to sabotage my equipment. I feel shitty for not saying anything, though, because nothing is going to change if people who actually speak English well aren't going to reason with people like Hatch Lady and point out why they really shouldn't say things like that.

Tl;dr, 'We speak English here' is offensive and unnecessary and I really freaking hate it. I will speak Korean in front of you if I feel like it, dammit. Wasn't Australia a country of free speech?

Pueheschwela~

HhaaaaaahaaahaahaaahahahahahaaaaahahaahahahaHAAAAAAHHHAAAAAHAHAHAAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHHHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

HO HO MOTHER FUCKER
Hai Guys :D

So, basically that little rant of laughing up there is legit. I was actually laughing as I organised... certain thoughts in my head. I was... doing something that I can't tell you, because that would ruin the secrecy of this whole post ;) but anyways, I just started to laugh, despite myself, and it was a very happy laugh. I loved it, and now that I do think back upon it, the laugh was also kinda mean, as it was building up on other people's demises, but I still found the whole ironic situation that was spiralling out of control, extremely hilarious. And I did feel slight amounts of.... pity? possible, for the people I was laughing at, but hey! In my mind, the laughing was justified :)

So we just got back from band tour a few days ago. And sheeeezus I have lots to write about. I probably will put up two different posts about the two events that occurred. As a small spoiler, one is about Band Camp, and the other is about Production Masterclass.
I will say some important things here though firstly.

*SLAP SLAP* WAKE UP IDIOT! DROOLING AND SELF PITY ISN'T GOING TO GET YOU OUT OF A HELL HOLE. REALISE WHERE YOU'RE SPIRALLING DOWN INTO AGAIN, AND PULL YOURSELF OUT!

2) Please. As a small piece of advice from me. Shut up. Just. Don't take offence from it, although it is very possible and highly likely that you will (maybe) but. Shhhh. 

3) I absolutely loved Production Masterclass, and YES! We need to sing 'My Eyes' together. If we have time in PD, we can just sing it there :D.

BOOM BABY!
I FOUND THE LYRICS

Anyone with half a brain

Could spend their whole life howling in pain

‘Cause the dark is everywhere

And Penny doesn’t seem to care

That soon the dark in me is all that will remain

Listen close to everybody’s heart

And hear that breaking sound

Hopes and dreams are shattering apart

And crashing to the ground

I cannot believe my eyes

How the world’s filled with filth and lies

But it’s plain to see

Evil inside of me is on the rise

Peace out Girl Scouts

A Sudden and Keen interest in Poetry

So, my last blog post was a piece of poetry, and you may be wondering, what does he mean (he meaning me :D ). I did write some poetry back in my old blog, but they were pretty crappy pieces of work, with some, but not much real meaning behind them. However, these new poems kinda do have a meaning. They are my hatred, my happiness, and everything that I feel I can't tell people face to face. And yes they are supposed to make much more sense to me than it is to you. However, they can be interpreted by you people, it is possible. But unless you are very sure, please don't come up to me with an angry face telling me why I wrote such and such things subtly into a poem. Or, please do, so I can explain the true meaning of the poem to you. Unless the true meaning is also about you. Then don't come and ask. Because I still won't tell you. But either way, these poems will contain a small message from me, whether harsh, or nice,or just plain stupid. I'm telling you a message. From my opinion of course. Don't take too much offence from it if it is about you. Have fun.

So I don't know everything
Heck I don't know much.
But sometimes when I think of stuff
Lightbulbs just go 'Ding!'
And I think of such and many
I think of such and few
But such an action goes on so long
My mercy is scarcely any

I look and get bored
Swipe my hand and dismiss
Jesus christ, to shut them up

I cannnot afford
Because to silence the lamb
Is like killing innocence
But for it's like' BAM!'
Killing this makes a lot of sense

To me.

You can interpret that poem however which way you want to. It has one and only one true meaning. It's confusing, hidden and doesn't make much sense to you yes? Then leave the poem be, and don't bother yourself with such words of mine.
Because that way, it's better for your health  (^^)

Peace out Girl Scouts
I reverted back to this one :D 

Something that has absolutely nothing to do with the blog (turn around now)

We can see it everywhere,

We can feel it in the air

We can watch it reveal and unfurl
It seriously makes me want to hurl

I hear them talking about the matter
But to their their faces they do (not) flatter
And call out with such lovely names
Such as a gamer would use in games.

Then they all cluster together
(I should push them into the ether)
And hold their hands together to cry
A together with no saying goodbye

So I scream irony, sarcasm
And spit words as if my verbal dictionary is having a spasm
Screaming all the while
'The boy who cried wolf,
And the Villagers who heed not his warning'.

And then the narrator
Sits by his corner
Drinking his Vodka and Wine
And he watches and assures himself
'Everything's going to be fine'